Today I was very gingerly trying to put a sheet on top of a business friend’s very expensive wine racks to protect them from debri during some minor construction. It makes me nervous to go in his wine cellar, let alone mess with any of the precious bottles, but it had to be done. (oh, I know you can see this coming) One rack…fine. Second rack…. Right side covered but as I attempted to put the sheet over the left corner the inevitable happened, my nightmare… a bottle fell off the back and broke. For whatever reasons (probably because for so many years I had too many little ears listening to me) I just don’t cuss, not unless I’m trying (which is actually kind of pathetic and another subject altogether). Oh yeah, expletives flew! I’m still upset even as I write this. The value of the broken bottle is yet undetermined. It hangs over me.
When I make a mistake, especially a valuable one, I can beat myself up for days, possibly even years. Somehow I think my immense grief will in some way make up for the foolish thing I did or show the other person how sorry I am. I reinforce the stupidity of said accident to myself over and over. Why can’t I just let it go? The truth of the matter is that I am devastated and feel it deeply. It seems so difficult to forgive myself over a mistake, an accident. I need to be able to acknowledge the truth of it, forgive myself and walk forward without self inflicted wounds despite the unfortunate consequences that may arise because of the mishap…or calamity… whichever fits.
I will take a breath today. Acknowledge my grief and mistake. Face any consequences bravely and when the instrument of destruction that wants to rip away at my self worth raises its ugly head I will not acknowledge it. I will move forward. I am human and being human is full of mistakes, it’s okay and so am I.